The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.