When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?