I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Why am I like this?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
starting a garage orchestra
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.