I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Anime is real
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I have many caverns