I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years