@ChiefTwittler: I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
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@david8hughes: [sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
@amethystxmatt: turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
@ComedyCarter: In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.