@ChiefTwittler: I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
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@kelkulus: A dating app called "Hinder" where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
@_SingleBabyMama: Some girls look like they've barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that's been doused by a fire hose.
@oakhillbargrill: Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard