There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.