The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.