Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I beg your pardon?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.