Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there