I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.