If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.