Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Ha.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.