I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Running from your problems is cardio .
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Good morning.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning