I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Plant care tips