@hayes_t_r: I like telling people I'm 4 months pregnant so they'll tell me how great I look.
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@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.
@yobrah_: I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
@Momtoteens: Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.