Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Happy weekend !
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
How to draw a duck
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.