My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
monday
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.