I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
When someone trying to leave me
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
What flavor cupcake are these
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Do not steal food from the science building!