I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000