I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me