I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
spot the difference
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Free him
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.