I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere