I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
one last job
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?