I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
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Pretty much. 🤣
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”