Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Just a bush.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Why soy sad?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.