I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
bout dat hot dog summer
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross