I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!