I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
You Might Also Like
This is the one
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/