This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.