Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Sniffing the broccoli
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.