Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.