@daddyville: I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.
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@Parkerlawyer: "Why did you leave your last job?" -I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"
@joci2203: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind
@SteveInevitable: While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
@jwoodham: Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters.