@daddyville: I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.
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@TheRobCee: "I need a car. What do you have?" "Well, we have a Subaru Outback" "But what kind of Subaru?" "Outback" "I don't CARE where you keep it..."
@david8hughes: [assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
@MandiAtRandom: Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog God please let it be a hotdog
@Amazon_Blonde: 911 what is your emergency? Me: "My 6 year old hasn't stopped talking since he got home" 911: "stay calm ma.. Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING