@bourgeoisalien: I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display
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@rodtopia: I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I'm so glad I don't drink anymore.
@iwearaonesie: *son wants to go to water park* *bring him to water park* *starts raining* *he starts crying..because he's getting wet* this is why I drink
@moooooog35: Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.
@flashember: [Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY