I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello