I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.