@Midgetspar: I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe's.
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@Parkerlawyer: I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
@JohnLyonTweets: [hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.
@OutOfLeftField_: I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day." Actually, I do.
@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY