@Midgetspar: I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe's.
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@juliussharpe: For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you're working with are idiots.
@mompsychologist: 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.
@rockymomax: [date] ME: do you have kids or pets? HER: a son and a cat ME: what are their names? HER: John & Batman ME: nice! my son is also named Batman