I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.