@Elizasoul80: I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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@FatherWithTwins: *co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit "close door" button* *I miss, hit "open door"* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course
@MattElGato: Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
@brideylee: On the list of things I fear the most, "death" comes in as a close second to "audience participation"
@SadMeterologist: My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.