@Elizasoul80: I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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@wittwitbarista: With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
@ILikeFaucet: Boss: Dan why is your hand raised? Me: can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting Me: so that's a yes?
@serialmatrix: If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
@Audenary: BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy - planets only. PLUTO: I'm on the list. BOUNCER: Nope. *Jurassic World walks in* PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.