I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????