I’ve had relationships like this
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Body by Oreos
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.