I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.