I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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me and my fake scenarios
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.