I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend