I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*