I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.