I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The point of your 20s
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd