[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”