People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*limbos under the caution tape
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes