@Zombieionism: I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete
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@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
@VoNwosu: When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don't understand. What do you want him to do? Fry yam?
@david8hughes: [first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
@pixelatedboat: You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I've got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears