i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop