I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right