@AbbyHasIssues: I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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@QwertyJones3: HER: I'm a member of my local Rotary Club. ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
@dafloydsta: [speed dating] Her: THIS IS NICE Me: I'M HAVING FUN TOO Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS? Me: IT'S CALLED SPEED
@KeetPotato: elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]