I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail