*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool