I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*pronounces patio like ratio
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.