I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.