I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
me after eating Cheetos
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM